11:05 p.m. - 2009-02-20
Its not me, its you
I know i swore i wouldnt, but i thought of you again tonight. We spent the day texting and although i hated the things i heard, they were necessary for me to let you go. But as the evening drifted into night i envisioned moments i had planned with you. Side by side under our cars, passing tools ...yeah funny since i know nothing about them. But i always thought i could learn from you. As much as you love working on your car, i wanted to join you in your passion. My mind drifted to road trips we had planned...meeting our idols (even though they were corny). Trips to all the haunted houses because you know we're ghost hunters. I made the biggest mistake of all tonight. I remembered your smell. The way i used to curl up in the bend of your neck and inhale your scent. I remembered what it felt like to run my hands over your body, to kiss your mouth. I remembered what it felt like to hear you breathe i love you in moments of passion. (Did you ever really love me?)I missed our friendship tonight as i watched a corny b movie that only we appreciate. We were so in sync with eachother. You told me you were sorry today. I know you never apologize so it really meant alot. It doesnt change things, but i deserved it. I meant every word i said to you, just so you know. At some point i have to draw the line and stop our communication all together. Sometimes i am weak and in all honesty, i have missed talking to you so much that sometimes its worth the pain ill feel later. i meant it when i said i wanted to marry you. (Not that you deserve me)But i was crazy about you and desired nobody but you. It suprised me when you thought otherwise. I thought back on all our private jokes, our good times. I remembered falling in love with you. "id live in a cardboard box with you :}" Yeah the good times haunt me. I cant promise not to think of you. I cant promise not to miss you. I know myself well enough to know that is too much to ask. But i do promise i will be just fine without you and i will move on. This is the goodbye letter you will never read but that i needed to write. Thanks for the memories. You have written your own playlist on my heart.
